


One More Day With You

by CariadWinter



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Avoidable Angst, Boys In Love, Confessions, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Kissing, M/M, Miscommunication... of a sort, Mutual Pining, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 22:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15083183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CariadWinter/pseuds/CariadWinter





	One More Day With You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the_morningstar616 (diabla616)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/diabla616/gifts).



John stared out at the swirling skyscape beyond the observation window. It was strange that being on the Shadow Broker’s ship gave him more peace than being on the Normandy. There was no attachment to the massive vessel, save for its main occupant. But then, perhaps that was reason enough. The Normandy, for better or worse, had become home. Its rooms were filled with people he cared about. But there were pieces missing. It felt like there was this gaping hole right in the middle and every time he looked at it, it only grew.

Nearly everything about the new Normandy was better, especially with all the upgrades. Better tech, more power, EDI. All the advances they had built her with didn’t change the fact she was a Cerberus ship though. She was a replica; a clone of the ship that had changed his life. The jury was still out on if it had been for better or for worse.

Sometimes, John wished he’d never been assigned to the Normandy. He wished he’d stayed on Earth, went through the motions, built his career and his home there. Sometimes he wishes he’d never gone to Eden Prime; that he’d never heard the name Saren Arterius. Maybe then he could convince himself that he had a future. Maybe then… he could convince himself he was happy. That he’d ever been happy.

The sound of a door sliding open behind him had John turning his head slightly. He watched Liara enter the room, but didn’t turn to face her. Instead, he focused his gaze back out at the sky beyond.

“Hey,” she greeted softly and settled herself in the chair next to him.

“Hey,” he echoed.

He saw her relax back into the curve of the chair in his peripheral; one leg crossing over the other, arms folded neatly across her stomach.

“It’s quite the view isn’t it?” she murmured.

John nodded. He supposed it was.

“I thought maybe I could come up to the Normandy later,” she suggested. “We could have dinner.”

He nodded again. “That would be nice.”

Her chair turned towards him slightly and he could feel her staring. In the short time they had known each other, John had come to rely on her more than any of the others. They’d shared a connection because of the beacons. They’d developed a friendship he’d never shared with anyone before her. In fact, he was fairly certain that no one knew him the way she did. Which, he would admit, was his own fault. He didn’t open up to people easily. Ne never had.

“What’s going on, Shepard?” she inquired softly but firmly. “You look like you’re a million miles away right now.”

John dropped his gaze to his hands and shook his head; brow furrowing. “Just thinking about how this all started,” he replied. “Eden Prime. Nihlus. Saren.” His frown deepened. “Ashley. Presley. Everyone who died that day. I can’t…”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Liara insisted. “You did everything you could to save those people. No one could have predicted what would happen. The Reapers, the Collectors, they were all just ghost stories before now.”

“I know,” he sighed. “Doesn’t make me question it any less though. Doesn’t make me wonder if I couldn’t have done more. They trusted me with their lives and I…”

“Did the best you could,” she cut in and John finally looked up to meet her gaze. “They were soldiers, Shepard. They knew the risks. We all did. No one blames you.”

“And what about now?” he countered. “Those colonists? I was right there, Liara. I could have saved them and I didn’t.”

Liara turned to face him completely and leaned forward in her chair. “What happened on Horizon was horrible, but that still wasn’t your fault. You’re one man, Shepard. The Illusive Man knew what you were walking in to. He could have done more. The Alliance was losing colonies left and right. They could have done more. The Council turned a blind eye just like they always do. You went there to help. Yes, people got taken. It wasn’t your fault though. And at least you’re still out here trying.”

Losing the people on Horizon had been devastating. Being there, seeing what was happening first hand, and still not being able to stop it, John didn’t know if he could forgive himself for that. What’s more, he felt guilty for losing so many and being relieved that Kaidan hadn’t been one of them. He still felt relief and it ate at him.

“Maybe,” he said softly and turned his gaze back to the observation window.

They sat in silence for a while; John watching the sky while Liara watched him. Sooner or later he’d have to move. He’d have to get up and carry on the way he always carried on. His life was the job. Always the job. And it was time for him to finish what he’d started. Time to gather the last piece and then take the fight to the Collectors.

“Garrus told me about Kaidan,” Liara confided and John felt the muscles in his jaw go tense. He didn’t want to talk about the Lieutenant. “I’m sorry. I know you cared a great deal for him.”

John gave a short shrug; teeth clenching. His fingers tightened on the ends of the armrests.

“Have you spoken to him since?”

“No,” was his only answer; firm, tone implying that this was the last thing he wanted to talk about.

John watched her study him from the corner of his eye and decided that his time on her ship had come to an end. He had reports to file and a mission to prep for.

“I should get back to the Normandy,” he announced as he stood. Liara remained seated and he hated seeing that knowing look in her eyes. “Eight okay for you?”

“I’ll be there,” she assured him and John nodded once before fleeing the room.

 

* * *

 

Dinner was a simple affair. They made small talk while they ate and for a short time, John allowed himself to smile and be at ease.

“Still no fish?” Liara inquired. She was sitting in the chair at the edge of the coffee table, one arm slung across the back of it as she turned to look at the tank.

John followed her gaze and shook his head. “I’m afraid I’ll forget to feed them,” he admitted. “Between missions and briefings and trips to Illium or the Citadel, you’d be surprised just how little I’m actually in this room.”

Liara settled completely back in the chair with a chuckle. “No I wouldn’t,” she poked. “I know how you get when you have a purpose. No sleep, no breaks, you barely eat. It’s criminal really and I don’t understand how you keep your body going. I’d pass out from exhaustion.”

“I sleep,” he countered with an indignant pout to his tone. “Just… you know… in small stretches.”

“Uh huh,” she hummed. “With your eyes open while you work.”

“Exactly,” he chuckled, then brought his wine glass to his lips to drink.

Liara smiled and sipped at her own wine. It was nice having her back aboard, even if it was only for a few hours. He’d missed having his friend so close. Garrus, Tali, and Jeff more than made up for her absence, but he’d missed her just the same. Her and Wrex and…

John sobered a little and shifted against the sofa, his gaze dropping to the red wine in his glass.

“Never lasts long does it?” Liara asked, her gaze intent on him as John looked up at her.

“What?” he inquired, confused.

The jovial smile that had curled her lips softened with concern and sadness. “Your good mood.”

John opened his mouth to deny the claim but knew better. Things had been different since Cerberus had brought him back. He was different. He had doubts, where before there had been none. He questioned himself. Questioned their mission. But, at the end of the day, the Collectors needed to be stopped and he’d be damned if he let them take another colony.

He offered her a small smile of his own but dropped his gaze again. “Guess I really do think too much,” he sighed. “Curse of the job I suppose.”

Liara hummed. “You know, I haven’t forgotten you running away from me earlier.”

“Liara…” he warned but he knew better than to think she’d drop it.

“Losing Kaidan on Horizon threw you. Garrus says you’ve gotten quieter than normal. He says you’ve shut everything else down in your life but the mission. Which is impressive because you were never very social, to begin with.”

“Yeah, well maybe Garrus talks too much,” he snapped out. “I’m fine. Kaidan and I… we just…”

John looked up at the sound of Liara’s wine glass being set down on the coffee table and she leaned forward in her chair. “He accused you of betraying the Alliance, Shepard. Of betraying him. That seems pretty extreme even for the Lieutenant. I know how close the two of you were. I know what… what you dying did to him. Kaidan didn’t take it very well.”

John snorted and drank the rest of his wine before setting his own glass down on the table. “I can’t say that I’ve been taking it very well either,” he admitted. “I lost two years of my life, Liara. Everything has changed. The job, the rules… it’s like I’ve been reborn into a world that doesn’t make sense anymore. Everyone I love mourned me. You’ve all moved on and started over and…” he shrugged, gaze going hard even as a now familiar ache settled in his chest. “For me, it still feels like yesterday.”

“And have you told him any of that?” she asked, her voice softening.

John shook his head. He still remembered the way Kaidan had looked at him. All that anger and betrayal in his eyes. “Kaidan doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore, Liara. Not while I’ve got this Cerberus patch on my uniform.”

He shifted his gaze to the tank and wondered if maybe the real reason he hadn’t filled it was, like this, it echoed the way he’d felt every day since he’d woken up on that table. Empty.

“Maybe not even once all’s said and done either,” he mumbled.

Liara moved from her chair to sit on the coffee table in front of him. “That’s not true and you know it. Kaidan cares about you. He may be angry now, but he’ll come around.”

“No,” he insisted softly. “He won’t. You weren't there, Liara. You didn’t see that look in his eyes. John Shepard, for him, is dead. I’m just some monster Cerberus cooked up in a tank to do their bidding.”

“Is that what you think?” she gasped; brow furrowing, eyes searching his for the truth.

“Maybe,” he admitted. “Kaidan wasn’t wrong about Cerberus. Hell, even Jacob knows they’re terrorists. I know they’re terrorists. I’ve seen the things they’ve done. I’ve killed their men. The Illusive Man is a monster in his own right; hell-bent on human domination of the galaxy. And I’m working for him.”

“No,” Liara admonished firmly. “You are doing what is necessary to bring down an imminent threat. The Alliance isn’t protecting their colonies and the Council refuses to send aid. We warned them over and over again that the threat wasn’t gone but nobody listened.”

She scooted closer to the edge of the table and reached out to take his hands in hers. “Sometimes… sometimes good people have to do questionable things. Sometimes there is no choice between right or wrong. Good or evil. There is simply a question of need. Of necessity. The devils, as they say, are at our doorsteps. And you, Shepard… you and Cerberus… you are the only ones keeping them at bay.”

John smiled. “Thank you,” he told her and squeezed her hands. “For never giving up on me.”

“Never,” she assured him. “And you shouldn’t give up on Lieutenant Alenko. I know what was said hurt you. But I believe he said those things out of hurt and anger. He doesn’t know the whole story. And maybe he never will. But I know how he feels about you. And I know how you feel about him.”

John arched an eyebrow at that and she grinned at him.

“Don’t play coy with me, Commander,” she warned with amusement. “I saw the way you two looked at each other. You danced around each other like lovestruck teenagers. Both too stubborn to admit that there was more.”

She sighed and though she pulled her hands away, Liara’s expression remained fond. “I even resented him for a while because he seemed so clueless to the fact that you wanted him as much as he wanted you. I would have given anything for you to look at me that way.”

“I’m sorry, Liara,” John said softly and Liara shook her head.

“I’ve moved on, Shepard,” she assured him. “We are friends, you and I. Family. And I am grateful for that.”

John smiled again and nodded. “Me too.”

She smiled in return and stood. “It’s late,” she said as she smoothed out her dress. “I should be getting back.”

He stood as well and moved with her to the door. “I’m glad you came, Liara. Once we retrieve this Reaper IFF, I’m not sure how fast this is all going to unravel. We may not have a chance to come back before going through the relay.”

Liara nodded, clearly upset by the idea. “Just be safe, Shepard. All of you.”

“We’ll do our best,” he promised because they both knew he couldn’t guarantee anything more.

He wished he could lie to her and promise that they would come home, but John had never been one to skew the truth. Not if he could help it.

She raised her hand to his cheek and he pressed his face into the touch. “Contact him, Shepard. For both your sakes. You may not get another chance.”

“I’ll think about it,” he told her and she nodded before turning and heading for the elevator.

The door to the lift opened too quickly, almost as though it had been waiting for her, and she stepped inside.

“I’ll see you when you get home,” she said as the door closed behind her.

“See you when we get home,” he agreed.

It was as much of a goodbye as either of them were prepared to give.

 

* * *

 

Shepard had been right about the IFF. Not so much that the next step required their immediate departure, but that things had spiraled out of control once they’d obtained it. EDI had started the installation, most of the crew had remained on board during the process, and the rest of them had gone off for one final supply haul.

The Collectors had come in their absence. they’d captured the Normandy, forced their way onboard, and taken the crew. Joker had saved the ship, but he’d been the only one to avoid capture. It was devastating. It left them with no time. The IFF was installed, the Normandy was ready, and the more time they took to chase the Collectors through the relay, the more Shepard was certain that his crew would die. And he couldn’t let that happen. Not again. They were depending on him and he was going to bring them home or die trying.

“Please confirm destination, Shepard. The Reaper IFF is online, but there is a chance that the Normandy may not survive the Omega 4 Relay. Once we are en route, we are committed,” EDI announced and John drew in a deep breath.

“The Collectors took my people,” he replied. “Time to go get them back.”

“You got it, Commander,” Joker’s voice replied over the comm. “Plotting a course for the Omega 4 Relay. ETA about two hours. I’ll let you know when we arrive.”

John stared at the galaxy map for a while longer before turning and heading for the lift. To say that he was angry was an understatement. He was tired of feeling like those Collector bastards were always one step ahead. Tired of feeling like the Illusive Man was holding out on him. Tired of losing the people he cared about.

Once he made it to his quarters, John moved to the desk and leaned over it, hands pressed flat to the surface. He’d gotten his affairs in order weeks ago. The possibility that this would be a one-way trip having always been an option. Still, there was one thing he needed to do.

He sank down into his desk chair, brought up the camera on his computer, and left his finger hovering over the record button. There were things he needed to say. Things he knew he should have said on Horizon or afterward but hadn’t. The fear of rejection was suffocating though and the only way he could convince himself to continue was by assuring himself that if his message found its way to Kaidan, John would be dead.

He tapped the screen and sat back.

“Hey, Kaidan. I uh, I guess if Liara has given this to you then that means I didn’t make it back.” John dropped his gaze to his hands in his lap for a moment. His heart was pounding out a frantic rhythm in his chest and he honestly didn’t know what he was supposed to say. So… he lead with that.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Kaidan,” John admitted and looked back up at the screen. “I don’t know how to make this right. I guess maybe that’s why I didn’t reach out after Horizon. I was afraid there’d be nothing left to say. Nothing that would fix all the shit that’s broken between us.”

He licked at his too dry lips and settled further back into his chair. “We’re on our way to the Omega 4 Relay. Joker’s fairly certain that the Normandy will make it through. After that, we’ll be hitting the Collector base and… well… I guess maybe I wanted to say goodbye this time. Just in case. I didn’t get to do that before and I know…”

John licked his lips again and sighed loudly. “Jesus, Kaidan. I don’t know what me dying was like for everyone. To hear Joker and the others talk, things pretty much fell apart once I was gone and I feel like I should apologize for that. But for me, the past two years never happened. One minute the Normandy was falling apart and exploding around me, the next I wake up in some Cerberus med bay. I can’t… if you want me to apologize for that then okay. I’m sorry, Kaidan. I’m sorry that I died. I’m sorry that you had to mourn me. I’m sorry that it was Cerberus that brought me back.”

Putting into words everything that he was feeling was exhausting. John didn’t talk about feelings. He didn’t ask for help or lean on people. He just kept his head down and did the job.

“If you want me to apologize for coming back at all, Kaidan. I will. You’d moved on with your life and clearly, I ruined that for you. I’m sorry I made you hurt again. It’s not something I have ever wanted to do. I spent my whole life keeping people at arm’s length. No attachments. Things were easier that way. You can’t get hurt if there’s no one there to hurt you.”

John picked at the cuticle of his left thumb and wondered if Kaidan would be able to see in his eyes just how lonely that had been.

“I tried to find you, Kaidan. It was the first thing I did once the Illusive Man let me off the leash,” he confessed. “I went to the Citadel, to Anderson. You weren’t the only one he stonewalled. But I did try, Kaidan. I wouldn’t just… not tell you that I was okay. And believe it or not, I tried to ask for help. I never wanted to work with Cerberus. I went to the Council. I went to Anderson. Officially though, the Collectors were a myth. Same as the Reapers. No help was coming for those colonies from Earth or the anywhere else. So I made a call. Because I’d rather work with the devil I know to stop the one I don’t than do nothing at all.”

He rubbed his hands back and forth along his thighs. There were other things John wanted to say, but he wasn’t sure he could. He didn’t know if he even knew how.

“So yeah, I did this. I made the choice. And I’m sorry if that disappoints you. I’m sorry if I ruined our friendship and broke your trust. I guess... I guess maybe I expected you to have a little more faith in me. So maybe we both broke things. Maybe we both walked away.”

John paused there; eyes still fixed firmly on the screen. In a few hours, he could be dead. “I wanted to tell you that I… I wanted... “ The words caught in his throat and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t will them into being.

“I hope you forgive me someday, Kaidan. I hope… that you find happiness. Because you deserve it. You deserve… everything.”

John’s eyes dropped away from the camera and he blew out a shaky breath. Maybe he was a coward after all. At least where his heart was concerned.

“Goodbye, Kaidan. And good luck. Shepard out.”

With a shaky hand, John stopped the recording and compressed the file. He opened the secure link Liara had set up for him and attached it to a message only she would see.

Liara,

You were right, but I couldn’t bring myself to face him. Not now. Not when all of this means so much. Not when it could mean the difference between keeping my focus and losing it.

Maybe that makes me a coward, but it’s all I’ve got. Please pass this along to him if I don’t come home.

And, Liara… Thank you. For everything.

John

John hit send and then shut the computer down. Regrets or no, it was done. He couldn’t unsend the message even if he wanted to.

He stood, piled up the broken pieces of his protective walls that still remained, and nodded. Now there was only room for the job and the people depending on him to bring them home.

 

* * *

 

Liara stopped just outside the door, heart in her throat. The galaxy was burning. The Reapers were spreading like wildfire. The Batarians were all but gone, Earth was in ruins, and Paladin was barely holding on. Sur’Kesh, Tuchanka, Thessia, they would follow soon enough.

Everything they’d done, all the measures they had taken, the sacrifices they’d made, it felt like sand slipping through her fingers. No amount of warnings would have prepared them for this. And Shepard, he was blaming himself for all of it. She knew him. He felt he should have done more, tried harder. He’d never accept that he’d done all he could. Now everyone was asking the impossible of him and he was bearing it silently as he always had.

She looked up as the door slid open and Kaidan’s eyes went wide as they met hers.

“Liara! Hi,” he greeted with surprise and took a step back.

“Hello, Kaidan,” she greeted in return; uncertainty eating its way through her. “Do you have a minute?”

“I, uh, yeah,” he said with a small nod. “I was just going to grab something to eat. Want to join me?”

Liara darted a quick glance over her shoulder, then looked back. “Actually, I wanted to speak with you in private. It’s about a personal matter.”

“Oh.” Kaidan’s expression morphed from pleasant surprise to guarded curiosity. “In that case, is the observation deck okay? I’m the only one here at the moment.”

“It’s fine,” she stated and moved past him into the room.

With each step she took toward the observation window, her heart beat harder and the warmth grew in her cheeks. Goddess but she did not want to have this conversation.

“Everything okay?” Kaidan asked. He’d followed her to the window; stood to her right about an arm’s length away.

She turned to face him and offered what she hoped was a genuine looking smile. “I never got the chance to welcome you back aboard the Normandy. It is good you’re here, Kaidan.”

The Major’s eyebrows rose a little on his forehead. “Thanks, Liara. I wasn’t actually sure whether or not I’d be welcome. Everyone looked ready to shoot me up on that platform.”

Her smile faded at the reminder. “We would have,” she admitted softly. “Though I do not believe it is what any of us would have wanted.”

Kaidan nodded and turned his attention to the view outside the ship. “Shepard said he wouldn’t have, but I wonder.”

Part of her wanted to shake him. Kaidan was blind when it came to Shepard and no matter what the commander did to try and convince Kaidan that nothing had changed between them, it never seemed to get through to him. It made her second guess herself again.

“If you don’t trust him, Major, then why are you here?” she asked and it took everything in her to rein in her annoyance.

Kaidan didn’t answer right away and she studied what she could of his face. The conflict warring in those expressive eyes told her everything she needed to know. Kaidan was still grieving, though whether it was for the past or the present she couldn’t say.

“I left once, Liara, and it was the biggest mistake of my life,” he replied after a few minutes of silence.

“Garrus told me about Horizon,” she confessed and the Major finally looked at her. “It hurt him. He never said anything, but we knew. I wasn’t there for most of it, but even the short time that I had with him during the Collector threat, I could tell he wasn’t himself.”

Kaidan nodded silently and turned away from the window. He moved, shoulders slumped, toward one of the chairs and sank down into it. Liara followed him with her gaze but remained where she stood. Clearly, he regretted what had happened that day.

“Horizon is partly why I’m here,” she informed him and squeezed her hands into fists a few times before taking a deep breath, then blowing it out slowly. “Before they went through the Omega 4 Relay, Shepard gave me something. A video file he recorded.”

That got Kaidan’s attention and the man sat straighter in the chair. “About the mission? Cerberus?”

Liara sighed and shook her head. “No, Kaidan. It was for you.”

He blinked stupidly at her. “For me?”

She nodded. “Neither of you was speaking to the other at the time and he didn’t want to leave things that way if… if he didn’t make it back.”

Kaidan blinked again and stood slowly. “I didn’t… why didn’t you send it?”

Liara’s gaze dropped from him to her feet and then rose again. “Because I was only supposed to send it if he died. I shouldn’t even be telling you about it now but he’s… Shepard’s struggling to keep it together. He puts up a good front for everyone but I know him, Kaidan. Better than most. He’s hurting and I’m not enough to help lift the weight.”

“You’re still in love with him,” Kaidan stated more than asked and Liara held his gaze this time.

“He’s my friend, Kaidan. He believed in me when no one else did and there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. That’s what you do when you care about someone. You support them and protect them and help them even when they can’t or won’t ask for it.” The accusation was clear in her tone and she’d be lying if she said it didn’t feel at least a little vindicating when the Major winced.

“Liara…”

“He needs you, Kaidan. More than me. More than Garrus.” It cost her something to admit that, but Liara buried the hurt beneath the concern and respect she felt for both of them. Kaidan was an idiot, but he was still a good man and a friend whether he believed himself to be or not.

“More than anyone else, he needs you. You can talk to him. Get him to open up. Get him to share the burden because if he doesn’t, I don’t know how he’s going to make it through what comes next. And I think we both know what comes next.”

No one talked about the end. Not really. They all made tentative, hopeful plans, but it was only just talk. Some of them wouldn’t make it home. Sacrifices would be made. Thane and Mordin had only been the start.

“You really think he’ll open up to me?” Kaidan asked. He still looked caught somewhere between anger and guilt.

“I do,” she told him and raised her arm to type something into her Omni tool. “I’ve sent the file to your Omni tool. Watch it or don’t, but I think it’s time you two stop dancing around each other.”

Kaidan’s eyes widened and he glanced down at his arm quickly before looking back up at her. “I… I can’t lose him again, Liara. I don’t think my heart could take it.”

Liara nodded and turned to head for the door. “None of us want to lose him again, Kaidan, but in this war… I think I’d rather take the time given to me than waste it on what might happen. You might not get another chance.”

She stopped at the door and turned back to face him as it slid open. “There’s a good chance he won’t walk away from this no matter what we do, Kaidan. If I were you, I’d make the most of the time you’re given. I know I plan to.”

She left quickly then, moving as fast as her feet could carry her. She’d done what she’d intended. The rest was up to them.

 

* * *

 

Kaidan sat and stared out the observation window for a long time after Liara had gone. Part of him wanted to watch the vid now. The other didn’t know if he was ready. These would have been Shepard’s last words to him. Yes, Shepard had lived, but the impact of whatever he’d had to say to Kaidan wouldn’t be any different and he wasn’t sure if his heart could take it. Even now.

Eventually, however, the Major’s curiosity won out and he opened the file. Shepard stared back at him from the screen. The Commander looked tired and sad. There were dark circles beneath the man’s eyes and Kaidan wondered if he’d slept at all. If he’d eaten.

“Okay, John,” he murmured to the empty room, glanced towards the still closed door, and then hit play.

_Hey, Kaidan…_

Kaidan’s heart skipped.

 

* * *

 

John tried to think of a time when he felt truly at peace. He no longer remembers his parents. Growing up on the streets had toughened him up, left him rough around the edges and taught him that the only person he could ever depend on was himself.

Joining the Alliance had changed that somewhat. He’d always known he could count on his squadmates to have his back, but he’d never made fast friends. He’d always been too blunt for that; too harsh, too cold, too much of everything no one liked. Anderson had been the only exception. He was a father-figure for John. He’d had his back when no one else had and he’d believed in John. Still did.

The Normandy and Saren changed everything. The ship had become home, the crew his family. For the first time in his life, John cared about something. He cared about the people around him and mourned them when they died. Yes, he’d lost teammates before, but this was different. These people were walking through hell with him. They put their lives in his hands. They trusted him to save the galaxy and he… he was scared shitless that he’d let them all down.

John brought the glass to his lips and drank. The whiskey burned going down and he closed his eyes; dropped his head onto the back of the sofa.

Before Cerberus, he hadn’t been a big drinker. He’d drank some in his youth, but once he’d enlisted he’d stopped. At least, he’d stopped until he’d died and Cerberus had brought him back. Now it seemed he had a drink in his hand every time he turned around. It hadn’t gotten bad enough that it impaired his judgment, but John knew he should drink less. The booze kept him in check though. It numbed the constant ache he’d felt since waking up on that table a year ago.

“Hey.”

John opened his eyes at the sound of Kaidan’s voice and watched as the man padded naked and barefoot across the room toward him. The sight of him made John smile. All that skin on display for him. Kaidan was perfect in every way and he didn’t think he’d ever get tired of looking at him.

“Missed you,” Kaidan mumbled as he lowered himself into John’s lap. “What are you doing down here?”

John shook his head. “Just thinking.”

Kaidan’s hands brushed over the closely shorn dome of John’s head, then settled loosely at the sides of his neck. “About?”

John smiled lazily and looped an arm around his lover’s waist. “Everything. The Normandy. How this all started. My death. Coming back.”

“So, the usual,” Kaidan stated with a soft snort.

“The usual,” John agreed.

Kaidan’s thumb brushed gently along the line of John’s jaw. “Anything I can help with?”

John looked at him. Really looked at him. Kaidan was everything John never knew he wanted. He was everything he thought he’d never have. He… was everything.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Kaidan,” he confessed. “I don’t… it’s too much. Too many lives. I can’t.”

The ache in his bones was constant. He felt it every second of every day and the weight of it only grew more intense as they went along.

Kaidan brought his hands up to John’s face. “You can,” he told him. “I know you can. You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met, John.”

John smiled but it felt weird; broken somehow. “I don’t feel amazing. Scared maybe. Tired. Pissed off. But not amazing.”

“I know,” Kaidan said with a sigh and pressed a kiss to John’s forehead. “It’s been a lot. Too much. But you… you manage the impossible. I don’t know how you do it. But you do. It’s why people turn to you.”

“Yeah,” John huffed and shook his head. “I guess.”

It was Kaidan’s turn to study him and John dropped his eyes to the other man’s chest. Despite their new relationship, he was still afraid of what he’d see when Kaidan looked at him.

“What’s going on, Shepard?” Kaidan asked and placed a finger under John’s chin to make him look at him. “What’s the problem?”

John exhaled slowly. “I’ve never had anything that was just for me. That was mine. Everything was first come, first serve on the streets or you had to fight for it. Joining the Alliance wasn’t much different. I’ve shared everything in my life with others. My body, my mind, my choices, my actions… all in service of someone else. I’m a weapon. And yeah, it’s what I signed up for but…”

He shook his head and dropped it back onto the sofa. “I died, Kaidan. And I didn’t realize that I regretted it until it was too late.”

“Your body?” Kaidan questioned and John lifted his head again. Kaidan looked uncertain like he didn’t want to know the answer but had asked anyway.

“When you’re homeless, you do what it takes to survive.” John clarified. “And I did a lot of stupid stuff. Things I’m not proud of.”

“Yeah, well, I think we can both agree you aren’t that person anymore,” Kaidan pointed out. “And I can think of at least one thing that is yours and only yours.”

The smile that curled Kaidan’s lips was equal parts bashful and naughty and John didn’t know how he managed it.

“And that’s the problem, isn’t it? I have something to lose now.”

He raised his hand to cup the side of Kaidan’s head and brushed his thumb across his cheek. “I’m good because I throw myself at the problem head-on. I get the job done. It’s always been about the job. But I didn’t have something… someone… to worry about before. I didn’t have a reason to not put myself in the line of fire. And now that I have you…”

John shook his head and dropped his hand away. “I’ve never been scared before, Kaidan. Not like this.”

Kaidan leaned forward and kissed him. It was just a simple press of lips, but it was slow and easy and it made John’s heart melt.

When he pulled away, Kaidan pressed their foreheads together. “We can do this,” he promised. “You and me. Whatever it takes. I’m going to spend the rest of my life with you, Shepard.”

“And if this war doesn’t give us a choice?” he asked because John knew the score. Some of them wouldn’t come back. They’d already lost too many and the Reapers weren’t finished. Not yet.

Kaidan straightened, hands pressed gently to John’s chest. “All that matters is that we’re together, Shepard. Where you go, I go. Even… even if it means we don’t come back. I left you behind once and I lost you. I won’t do it again.”

John tugged Kaidan in against his chest, arms wrapping around him. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Kaidan replied and kissed him again.

This kiss was hungrier. It was rough and passionate. A clash of teeth and tongue and lips that left them both breathless.

“Come back upstairs,” Kaidan murmured against John’s lips when they parted.

John nodded and helped Kaidan out of his lap, then stood and let the other man lead him towards the stairs.

“Why now?” he asked, curious. He’d been curious since the other man had invited him to lunch and confessed his feelings. John hadn’t expected it. Certainly not after all they’d been through.

“Why now what?” Kaidan asked, stopping at the foot of the stairs and turning to look at him.

“Why tell me how you feel now?” he clarified. “Our lunch date. I thought… I don’t know. I guess I thought whatever chance there might have been before was gone.”

Kaidan licked his lips and looked as though he had to think about the answer. “Liara,” he finally replied. “She helped me put things in perspective. Gave me something that showed me how much of an idiot I’ve been.”

John frowned. “Gave you something?”

“Your message. From before the Collectors,” Kaidan revealed and John’s eyes went wide.

He chuckled softly and shook his head. “I’d forgotten about it,” he admitted. “I think maybe I assumed she’d gotten rid of it when I came back or… or maybe you’d see it already and…”

Kaidan stepped in against him and brought his hands up to John’s neck. “I should have come to see you. Message or no. I was still angry though. At you. At Cerberus. Myself. The world. You needed me and I was just trying to forget. It was easier than facing you.”

“So, me making an idiot out of myself on camera was all it took?” he teased.

Kaidan laughed. “Not an idiot,” he assured him and sobered. “If you had died and she’d given me that message…”

“Kaidan, don’t.”

John didn’t want to think about the ‘what ifs’. His life was already full of them and he needed his brain to just stop for a little while.

“We’re here now right?” he pointed out and Kaidan nodded.

“Yeah.”

John smiled and pressed their lips together. His hands slipped down Kaidan’s bare back and cupped his ass to draw him in closer.

“Remind me to thank Liara later,” he murmured against Kaidan’s lips.

Kaidan hummed and nipped at John’s bottom lip. “Take me to bed, Commander.”

“Is that an order, Major?” John teased.

Kaidan grinned and backed away; John’s hand in his as he pulled him up the stairs.

“Absolutely.”

 


End file.
